Mother's Day Out 6.15.10

So against the mother in us all and the feeling that we don't want them to grow up, move on, or forget us; Owen started a Mother's Day Out program at a church right down the road a few weeks back. This is the first time he has ever been in a program other than the nursery at church. And from the time I knew he would be going, I tried hard to focus on the good and not so much the bad.


The Good
*He would be better adjusted.
*He would have new friends to play with.
*He would learn that he is safe even if I'm not there.
*He would get to do lots of fun summer activities.
*I would get a few days a week to accomplish the things that are impossible in the presence of a 1 1/2 yr old.

The Bad
*I would miss him
*I would miss him
*I would MISS him

And with that, I realized that if I didn't let him go then I was the one being selfish and he would be the one to miss out.

So after getting all the things checked off his list to make sure he was ready to start his first big day at school, I had him packed and ready to go. He gets to carry his lunch to school which is sort of a big deal. And for me, it's a really big deal because I had no idea what to pack. So, I played it safe and went with a PB&J (with the edges cut off of course) with pretzel sticks and a fruit cup. Sounded like a winner to me.

When 8:45 arrived, we set out on our way. I just knew he would maybe think I was finally giving him away like I'd threatened a hundred times before and wonder why he was there and why I wouldn't be staying. We stood in line with all the others waiting to sign in and he was so sweet holding my hand the whole time and watching all the other kids around him. Then, we were directed to his classroom and I felt the nerves coming on.

They had a hook with his name for his backpack and a little cubby for all his things. We put his things away before I took him into the room. I just knew he was about to have a meltdown and the tears were going to start flowing. Yeah right! He skipped that part and jumped right on a rocking horse and started having the time of his life. I kept trying to find a reason to stick around, but the lady warned that I better get going while the getting was good.

And at that moment, I felt crushed.

As soon as I left the room my emotions got the best of me. I was really trying hard to hold it together and when I finally made it to the car, I absolutely lost it. I'm talking like a big ole crybaby. It just hit me all at once and the fact that he never even turned to find me or even cared that I left him sent me into an emotional frenzy like a silly crazy woman.

So, there I was in the car crying my eyes out only to look down and find in my hands, a little yellow blanket. I felt a feeling of desperation as I hated to even go back in that building. And to be honest, I didn't want anyone to know that I had been sitting in my car crying. So I pulled myself together the best way I knew how and walked back inside with a little spring in my step to try to disguise my despair.

A lady met me at the door and offered to take it back to him. And as I turned to leave, I heard her say, "Honey, are you okay?" I thought I had managed to trick her, but I guess you just can't hide emotion like that. I just smiled and told her I would be fine and left.

The first day was a rough one without him. I had no clue what to do with myself. I drove around for a while, considered a pedicure (with no luck), and eventually thought it might be nice to go have lunch with Wade at work. And it wasn't until I was sitting there with Wade that I could begin to appreciate the time away from Owen. We had a great time at lunch and were even able to just sit and talk without any distractions, which seems nonexistent these days.

Owen has been in Mother's Day Out now for about 3 weeks and it is amazing at how much he has blossomed. Not once has he had a hard time with going. He really loves the time away and the change of scenery. And even I have learned to appreciate the value of it, although on the first day I seriously considered going back to get him and putting this off a little while longer.

The more that time passes; I'm realizing that life takes us down some curvy emotional paths. The way you first think you will react is usually totally opposite than the way you actually do. I never saw myself as the woman in the car crying after leaving her child somewhere. Not because I don't love him, but because I have always felt that I had a good grasp on what our relationship truly means. From day one, I've been planning to let go because anything other than that is unrealistic. He has a full life to live and has to grow up at some point whether I like it or not.

And even after knowing all these things, it still surprised me how hard it was to let go even just a little bit. There is something there that binds you to them. I thought for sure I wouldn't be alone in feeling a little sad that day, but to be completely honest, it wasn't that he didn't seem to miss me that bothered me the most. It was how much I missed him and the fact that he is slowly but surely going to grow up and leave. Love is just one small way to define how I feel.  I realize that he is a huge part of my life now and my whole life is wrapped up in him and his happiness. He is the first person on my mind when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep and pray.

You think when you have child that you have all the time in the world, but you don't.  There is not one day that passes that he doesn't do something that amazes me, and there is nothing like watching him grow into the person he is going to be.  But I've learned that my time with him is limited and I have to make the most of what I do have.  I believe that there is always something for me to learn in times like these.  And what I've learned is to soak it up, take the good with the bad, have fun with him, teach him the best I can, love him anyways, and lastly, let him go.

Owen- You were such a big boy and I am so very proud of you!

Love always,
Momma